“I caved in and reached out to him. I couldn’t understand why, but then I realized I have this incredible need to be the fixer, even when I didn’t do anything wrong. It’s like I base my worth, my value, my being on fixing things. I always have to be the one to make things right, even when it’s not my job.”
The first few lines of the text message that I received.
My question is: What are you trying to fix?
Oh! You’re trying to fix someone? That’s the problem. We can only fix ourselves. When we want someone to do better, we have to do better. You have standards, but you’re not making your standards known. The Most Honorable Elijah Muhammad teaches us to put a clean glass next to a dirty one. Therefore, you don’t have to shout what your standards are. If you be the clean glass, people will know how they can and cannot treat you, but it’s important that we remember what we can and will not tolerate. Sister, you are the Mother of Civilization. A Nation Can Rise No Higher Than it’s Woman, so it’s our responsibility to rise. This means you’re the prize.
If we want to change a situation, we first have to change ourselves. And to change ourselves effectively, we first have to change our perceptions.
Stephen R. Covey, Daily Reflections for Highly Perspective People
What is the perception of yourself? When is the last time you’ve looked in the mirror?
Honey! What you have is not love, which means you don’t have anything because interchangeable “love” is to “live”. So you two are not living together (I’m not referring to a physical place, although that’s a sign too), which means that you’re not loving one another. You don’t love him. I know you don’t because you’re not sticking to your conditions. Do you have any?
“I know deep down this is honestly on him to make right and this is my time for me to make things right with myself. I’m just angry because I stayed away from him, blocked him, didn’t talk to him, text him, call him or date him or anyone else for 6 months & I felt so strong & so good about it, but now I feel like this slip up erased that & I feel like I gave him my power. I gave him my energy, which honestly, he doesn’t deserve. So I’m down about that.”
BINGO! You said it. Do you know that we answer our own questions whenever we ask and we say the solution when we say the problem.
This is my time for me to make things right with myself.
That’s right Sis. You need this time for yourself. This is what needs fixing, you. Not just you. I need some fixing myself, but in order for us to get the fixing, we have to dig deep within self. Meditate. Cleanse. It’s not in anyone else, which leads to the next point.
Why did you reach out to him?
What is it about him that you’re searching for? Oh! I know what it is. You see those god qualities in him. He is a god. He may not always live up to being god, but he’s a god. *laughs* I’ve lived this situation.
Am I being too frank? I don’t mean to, but if I am it’s because I’m talking to the girl that’s in the past (the old me). I thought I loved a man so much that I was willing to give him chance after chance. Why? because I didn’t love myself enough. Why? because I didn’t l0ve him. Again, you cannot love without conditions. Do you know that God does not love unconditionally? If He did, there wouldn’t be calamities. Of course, in my immature understanding of love at that point, I did love him, but it wasn’t healthy. Love is healthy.
We are God’s women and we deserve to be loved properly, even if that means we have to wait. The Wait isn’t easy, but it’s worth it and you Sis, are worthy.
The next time you want to reach out, don’t. Wait for the man who will reach out to you. A woman should never have to wonder if a man is thinking about her. Why? Because the man who is thinking about you, will show you every time. Men show up. Just make sure you’re showing up for self.
Sister look yourself in the mirror, declare what you want, and be what you want. Stop waiting for a man to grow to be the man you need. When you become the woman you need to be, the man that’s for you, will show up.
Love is not a gamble. You don’t put something in wondering if you’ll get something back. God is love. When we make deposits with Him, we receive more than what we put in. When you love someone, you put in 100 and so do they. It’s not a plaything. Sister, you are not a plaything. Love may feel like and be a risk at first, but it shouldn’t be that either. Love is faith.
Sister, I’m talking to myself. I have a lot of work to do, a lot of reflecting to do. A lot of growing. We have a duty to Allah (God), then self first. We will become who we shall and when we do, we will be with the one for us.
I love you Sister and I pray you grow to love yourself more. I pray deep down that’s what you know, that you have God and you.
Questions I encourage you to reflect on:
- What are you trying to fix?
- What does it mean to be a fixer?
- Are you living in patterns?
- Do you think you owe him something?
- What is your worth? Can you define your worth?
- What is your value? Can you define your value?
- What is your being? Can you define your being?
- What does it mean for you to be the prize?
There’s so much more to add, but sometimes you sprinkle a little reminder and leave the rest to the other person.